a season of staying

Regardless of your political leanings or geography, 2017 was a doozy across the globe.  The year also held many changes for our family – new home, new schools, new projects at work, new challenges in parenting – most of it positive, but still new.

Generally, I’m good with change.  I was raised not to fear it, which built up my resilience and flexibility, but also to sometimes lean on it (or create it) for comfort or “safety” …which has not always served me as well.

Just a few days ago, we experienced one very significant loss, our beloved 20-year-old cat, Cleo.   She was wise, patient, and the one consistent witness to our entire adult life together until now.  She stayed with us through two states, two dogs, two kids, and seven moves without a complaint (well, she did move into the garage to protest the growing chaos) and once she got too old to carry around her favorite stuffed penguin and bite us on the ankles, she still made every effort to amble over for a daily greeting and a head rub.  We all cuddled her as she let go so she knew how much she was loved.

As we left the after-hours vet clinic, I was already thinking through my pain about how to fill the void in our hearts – a new cat?  A dog?  Rabbit?  Hamster?  ANYTHING.  But by the time I settled into bed after midnight, I felt differently.  That Cleo-shaped hole will remain and I will learn how to let it be.  2018 needs be a season of “staying” with what is already in my life, the inspiring and the difficult, and giving it all the energy it needs to thrive.

So, to begin this year I won’t be committing to learn anything or be anything significantly different than what was true about me yesterday.  That lonely ukulele will have to wait a while longer.  If you know me well, you know this will actually be very hard for me.  Oh, how I love to start fresh – new style of planner every year, new ways of eating to be healthy, a new app that makes things just a little bit less complicated, a new hobby or skill.  Yes, staying will be a formidable challenge but one that I believe will bring more focus to the depth of my life.

Staying is not about being stagnant or complacent, it’s about focusing my energy on sustaining and developing more often than innovating.  There is nuance here – do I need more fresh air and exercise?  Yes.  Is this the year that I train for my first 15k?  Nope.  In 2018, I will make a practice of learning even more about what I already love and getting more brave about the things that already scare me.  I will focus on deepening the skills I already have, working the plans I have already made, staying present for the moments when the kids slow down and just want to know me.  There will still be “firsts”.  I will be learning and changing as I go, open to new ideas and experiences – I’m still ME.  But when given the choice to accept or create something brand new, I will first look to what is already here for greater meaning and opportunity.  I will sort out what feels the most real about my life right now and GROW it, refine it, and let it be seen.

On this first day of 2018, I resolve to be the best version of the person I already am because I’m ready to stay; to let my roots deepen after so many seasons of spreading out in new soil.

I am grateful for the lessons learned through loss and reflection.

Godspeed, Cleopatra Roosafroosa Pooperdoo Rowe.  We love you. Thank you for staying.